Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Updated This Page in 3 Months

10. Attempted suicide at local pool; saved by jesus-freak CPR course
    instructor.

 9. Had to go "underground" to avoid the Papal Hitmen.

 8. Drugs, sex, and more drugs.

 7. Thrown in the slammer for flogging the neighborhood preacher with
    a baseball bat.

 6. Studying for my classes at Oral Roberts University.

 5. Discovered the alt.binaries.pictures.erotica newsgroup.

 4. Mom saw my page; sent me on sabbatical to Serene Knolls Sanitarium

 3. Trying to sell my Christ Crisps(tm) idea to Nabisco

 2. "Divine Intervention" rendered my computer inoperable.

 1. Too busy praying.