Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Updated This Page in 3 Months

10. Attempted suicide at local pool; saved by jesus-freak CPR course

 9. Had to go "underground" to avoid the Papal Hitmen.

 8. Drugs, sex, and more drugs.

 7. Thrown in the slammer for flogging the neighborhood preacher with
    a baseball bat.

 6. Studying for my classes at Oral Roberts University.

 5. Discovered the newsgroup.

 4. Mom saw my page; sent me on sabbatical to Serene Knolls Sanitarium

 3. Trying to sell my Christ Crisps(tm) idea to Nabisco

 2. "Divine Intervention" rendered my computer inoperable.

 1. Too busy praying.